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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24966601">Impostor Syndrome</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/stultiloquent/pseuds/stultiloquent'>stultiloquent</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>DCU (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(it's not stated explicitly but he's on the a-spec; it's more aro than ace spec to be fair), (or... lack thereof?), Aromantic Character, Aromantic Jason Todd, Asexual Character, Discussions of sexuality, Domestic, Established Relationship, Internalised aphobia, JayRoy Weekend, M/M, Pride Parades, late entry for Day 2 Prompt - Pride Month (sorry)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 11:06:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,677</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24966601</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/stultiloquent/pseuds/stultiloquent</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Jason would've liked to stay and watch Commissioner Gordon awkwardly back Harley up. But he really didn't like being put on the spot, he didn't like the idea that his face was being live-streamed as part of this incident across multiple platforms. And he was already somewhat apprehensive about being a headlining guest for the Parade. He was on good terms with the Gotham LGBT+ community, and he was grateful for their trust and faith in him everyday. But how could he be here when he didn't feel that same pride in himself?</em>
</p><p>Or, Red Hood (and Harley Quinn) goes to Pride Parade.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harleen Quinzel &amp; Jason Todd, Roy Harper/Jason Todd</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>DC Aspec Week, My Bookmark</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Impostor Syndrome</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I thought I would have more time but suddenly the JayRoy Weekend is upon us and I really wanted to get something out before the weekend's over, so here's my belated entry for the Day 2 prompt: Pride Month. A short piece with aro-spec Jason, because I've adored this particular headcanon for a long time.</p><p><s>Unbeta-ed and barely edited. Will be back to check it over again later.</s><br/>EDITED again on 22 Jul 2020. The gist of the story still remains the same. Hopefully the boys are even more in-character now.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>For all of the Red Hood's dubious international track record, the man under the helmet absolutely hated being put on the spot to deal with confrontations he didn't ask for.</p><p>He crossed his arms and shifted his weight from one foot to the next as he witnessed the scene unfolding before him.</p><p>In the middle of the main street of Park Row, a middle-aged white woman was arguing with a colourfully-clad Harley Quinn, who was using even more colouful language to insult the woman's intelligence. Between the two women butting heads stood the poor event organiser responsible for managing Harley's section of the Pride Parade, their face a perfect picture of mounting panic as they tried their damnedest to get the situation under control. Behind the three figures stood the rest of the floats and acts of the day, halted at this intersection as the offended woman doled out her grievances and the look on Harley's face grew more and more murderous by the second. The event-goers forming a wide berth around them completed the picture, some of them holding up cellphones to live-stream the incident, no doubt racking up tens of thousands of views on Instagram right now.</p><p>“Perhaps we can move this discussion to the side? Please ma'am, we really need to keep the parade moving or we'll cause disruption to the traffic outside this district.”</p><p>“Hell no!” Harley interjected. “We're settlin' this right here and right now. She needs to be asked ta leave! Everybody was fine with me bein' here until this Karen—” She jabbed an accusing finger at said woman— “Started kickin' up a big fuss about me!” </p><p>“And I won't be leaving this event before you do! I've already called the cops and I'll be waiting until they come get both of you Arkham rejects.”</p><p>Worried murmurs and gasps rippled through the crowd at the mention of cops. In the distance, Jason could barely make out the sound of police sirens gaining closer and closer to where they were.</p><p>There were already a few beat cops helping hold down the fort on traffic control at the march, but they had pretty much made themselves scarce the moment they saw the woman approach the event organiser with her complaints. Crowd control was one of those jobs no Gotham cop, dirty or clean, wanted to take up, and their refusal to get involved had only all the more prompted the woman to dial 911.</p><p>“Great,” Jason muttered under his breath when the sirens stopped, and out of the crowd he saw a few boys in blue uniforms making their way to where the four of them stood. Then he noticed the Commissioner himself trailing after the officers and did a double take. </p><p>Out of the corner of his eye, Jason noticed the woman pause in her ranting when she saw Jim Gordon as well. But Harley called her Karen for a reason, and live up to that title she did. The woman quickly resumed her holier-than-thou stance and approached the Commissioner with a righteous air about her.</p><p>“What appears to be the problem here, ma’am?”</p><p>Jason felt just the slightest twinge of sympathy at the tired look on Gordon's face. His voice sounded like he had just pulled two all-nighters in a row, and his drooping mustache spoke of it as well.</p><p>“Good! Finally, some upstanding and sensible people around here,” the lady began.</p><p>Jason snorted internally at “sensible”. This was the man who invested taxpayer dollars in a giant lamp, called it the Batsignal, and regularly waited for Batman and sidekicks like himself on rooftops at night for years.</p>
<p></p><div>
  <p>"Can somebody please tell me why these two bona fide villains were not only <em>allowed</em> but <em>invited </em>to run around Pride this year?" The woman continued. "We bring children to this event here!"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"Hey! I'll have you know I have a glowing personal recommendation from the Martha Wayne Foundation that allows me to work with children again! And Hood here has donated large sums of money regularly to both the Foundation and nearly every single other welfare programme in this city!"</p>
</div><div>
  <p>Suddenly, everyone was looking at Jason with variations of puzzlement and disbelief. This was exactly the kind of attention he didn't want.</p>
  <p>“Please, Miss Quinn,” Gordon cut in, bringing the conversation back on track. Harley stuck a tongue out and looked to the side, but she kept quiet and let the Commissioner defuse the situation. There was a reason he chose to come down to handle this personally, and she knew an easy way out when she saw it.</p>
  <p>Now see, Jason would've liked to stay and watch Gordon awkwardly back Harley up. But he <em>really</em> didn't like being put on the spot, he didn't like the idea that his face was being live-streamed as part of this incident across multiple platforms. And he was already somewhat apprehensive about being a headlining guest for the Parade. He was on good terms with the Gotham LGBT+ community, sure; when you patrolled the gay district as regularly as he did you tend to make a few friends. He was only mildly surprised when one of the tenants he talked shop with on slow nights ran up to him and told him they want to put him on a float at the next Pride. It only seemed fair to pay his dues and show up. And he was grateful for their trust and faith in him everyday, he was. But how could he be here when he didn't carry that same pride for himself, much less for an entire community? </p>
  <p>Add cops and unwanted publicity to the mix, and that was enough to make him antsy to leave.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>"...of course, Miss Quinn's warrant does not extend to Red Hood here." </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jason tuned back in to the conversation at hand just in time to catch Gordon's admission. </p>
  <p>Guess that was his cue then. </p>
  <p>“It's okay, Commissioner. I'll just leave. But you guys better treat Harley like a goddamn queen. She's earned it.”</p>
  <p>Harley looked at him with wide eyes. “But you said you'd give me a shoulder ride down the rest of the parade!”</p>
  <p>And why did that feel like she was trying to stop him from running away?</p>
  <p>“Another time, Harley. You deserve to be here. We don't need another incident on <em>my</em> rap sheet.”</p>
  <p>Harley shot him a look, and <em>fuck</em>, she's <em>definitely</em> judging him. She was probably already done psychoanalysing him the whole time he was standing to the side. </p>
  <p>No, no, he was only being rational here. No-one outside of Park Row thought kindly of the Red Hood, and now that the law enforcement was here his presence was only going to prolong the cops’ involvement. He didn't need ruining Pride for the people here on top of his other transgressions.</p>
  <p>He shed the pride flag he'd been donning so far on top of his uniform and passed it off to one of the stragglers off to the side. They accepted the rainbow-coloured fabric reverently, and then looked up at him with stars in their eyes. A fan, then.</p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I– I came to Pride this year because I heard you'd be here.” The kid said in hushed tones. “You're my and my sister’s favourite Bat. I wish you didn't have to leave early!”</p>
  <p>For a moment, all Jason could do was stare at the kid's expectant little face, struck once more by the unwavering trust a complete stranger put in him.</p>
  <p>“Yeah, hey... You'll still see me around. Have fun and stay safe.”</p>
  <p>He gave the kid a two-fingered salute and turned the corner, the distinctive red of his helmet disappearing among the midday traffic. But that brief conversation had already wormed its way into his mind, sitting heavily like all his other doubts, and those were harder to shake off his tail than the cops, the lady, and the disappointed crowd on Park Row.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>*</p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <b>RED HOOD CHASED OUT OF GOTHAM PRIDE</b>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It hadn't even been twelve hours and they were already running headlines for it. Jason could only guess what the word on the street was now and sighed. </p>
  <p>He brought the remote control up in a bid to change the channel just as Roy slid into the bed beside him.</p>
  <p>“Hey, wait a minute, what's that?” Roy placed a hand on Jason's arm. The news clip rolled on, but the newscaster had stopped speaking; what followed was footage of the lady calling Jason and Harley “Arkham rejects”.</p>
  <p>Jason groaned. “The whole damn town knows I left the Pride Parade early now. I don't know if beating a hasty retreat was the best move for my street cred.”</p>
  <p>“Well. It was the right decision, to choose not to face off with the GCPD again, at least,” Roy tried for casual, snaking an arm around Jason and dropping a kiss on his shoulder. “Don't wanna get evicted when we finally just settled in.”</p>
  <p>Jason relaxed a little into Roy's embrace, but he was only half listening, his thoughts revolving around the finer details of the day’s events. He hummed noncommittally. </p>
  <p>Roy pulled back a little and really looked at him. There was that familiar little crease between Jay’s brows again, the crease that Roy swore was going to become permanent at the rate Jason was going.</p>
  <p>His eyes softened. “You're not just worried about your street cred, are you?”</p>
  <p>“No...”</p>
  <p>Jason knew exactly what was bothering him. He was already feeling discomfited at the Parade before the cops showed up, when he was still riding the float, feeling all eyes on him. But it wasn't that realisation that bothered him. Rather, what he was stuck on was that feeling of discomfort, the dissonance between playing the part of the Red Hood so as not to let the people down, and knowing that that wasn't his real place in the community as Jason Todd. He was a performer at heart, and he would be the first to admit that he loved the attention when he put on a show. But standing there beside Harley, who had fed off of the energy of the crowd and put herself out there unapologetically, he couldn't help but feel like he was being a little bit disingenuous.</p>
  <p>“Hey, talk to me, Jaybird.” A gentle hand on his cheek turned his face to Roy's own concerned one. Jason’s eyes fluttered away, not sure if he could handle staring at Roy's earnest gaze for this conversation.</p>
  <p>“It’s gonna sound stupid,” he mumbled. </p>
  <p>Roy slid his palms down to Jason’s hands and gave them a reassuring squeeze as he waited for Jason to say it. Too used to relying on no one but himself, Jason rarely gave himself permission to voice his feelings out loud. Roy knew this intimately; he knew it personally, too. It took Roy years to seek help and open up to someone professionally himself. But somewhere down the line, Jason became his exception. There was nothing Roy couldn’t talk to him about, nothing he wouldn’t trust him with. Here was a man who saw him at his worst, and still, trusted him with his whole life. Roy saw it in every unspoken permission, in every hushed confession when Jason thought he wasn’t listening. It took time, but Jason always came to him in the end. And Roy would always wait for him.</p>
  <p>Jason unfurled his hands in Roy’s grasp. Staring at his own palms, mind made up, he said, “You know how I told you years ago, that I was never gonna feel the way you feel for me? That I— <em>could</em> not— feel as deeply as you feel?”</p>
  <p>And they had been over this, several times, but still, Jason stole a glance at Roy almost reflexively, as if expecting anger or rejection there before rational thought caught up to him.</p>
  <p>"Even now, some days I wonder if I even understand what love is at all.</p>
  <p>“And I know not everything's gonna be all grand gestures and Jane Austen-like. I know that’s mostly just fiction. But you tell me all the time that you love me, that you're always gonna feel that way about me, and I— I can't even say it or text you back like a good boyfriend.”</p>
  <p>“Jay—”</p>
  <p>“Let me finish. You know the real reason I chose to leave the Parade?” He chuckled humourlessly. “It was bugging me too much. When I was on that float, I just kept seeing these signs, these ‘Love Is Love’ banners around. And I couldn't do it. How can I be there, when I don't know the kind of love they're talking about?”</p>
  <p>Finally, Jason looked up at Roy. </p>
  <p>“Look, I really, really like you. I can show you in a hundred different ways how I love you, but it's never going to be in the capacity that all these songs and poems have been written about. <em>You</em> know this, but that's not what everyone else expects. It's not what they're thinking of when they talk about their love. So when I get up there, and I see all these kids looking to me for a paragon of LGBTQ pride? All I feel is some fucked up version of impostor syndrome. Because me? I'm not queer enough. You can't shout <em>this</em>—” He gestured viciously at himself— “from the rooftops. What's there even to be proud of when I barely feel this love that they talk about? Why do I even deserve the spotlight, when there are people far more worthy of it?”</p>
  <p>“Hey, hey, shhhh.” Roy brought Jason into his arms again, carding one hand through his locks, trying to get through to him the best way he knew how. He waited until Jason’s breathing calmed down enough, until Jason is able to meet his eyes again.</p>
  <p>“Listen, all that ‘love is love’ crap? They're just catchphrases. And you know how I feel about labels. You define the labels, the labels don't define you. You can never be queer enough – because ‘queer enough’ doesn't exist. It's just an arbitrary set of criteria that falls apart as soon as you apply it to real world interactions. Who cares about being an ideal picture of queer love. We don't exist for the general public’s consumption. What we have is real; it's not ideal, it's <em>better</em>. </p>
  <p>“And I know this is something you're going to have to come to terms with by yourself more than anything. But I'll be here, and I'll say it however many times you need me to until the day you stop beating yourself up over it, okay? You're right, I love you too much and I'm not going anywhere—” Here, Roy laughed a little, and it's so effortless for him to say the L-word and actually <em>mean</em> it too, just as he had every single instance before. And as always, Jason found himself powerless to stop the telltale twitch of an answering smile.</p>
  <p>“You're one of the most amazing people I know, Jaybird,” Roy continued. “Maybe even most amazing, period. And whatever you experience – even if you don't wanna be in the spotlight for it, it'll never make you any less worthy. So no more talking about yourself that way, okay?”</p>
  <p>Roy held his gaze until his words sunk in, a rare, blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment of solemnity in his expression. And then—</p>
  <p>“'Cause that's my boyfriend you're trash-talking about.”</p>
  <p>Jason pulled away, huffing. “That was quite the speech there, before you ruined it.”</p>
  <p>“What can I say? I have my moments.”</p>
  <p>Roy clicked his tongue and winked. Just like that, they moved on to other, lighter topics, and soon, turned off the forgotten television and turned in for the night.</p>
  <p>Jason knew Roy was giving him an out and letting him get away with the diversion, choosing to indulge in Jason's usual habit of not examining his feelings any further. But as he let Roy wrap his limbs around him and let the beginnings of sleep tug at his eyelids, he couldn’t help but think that that's perhaps the reason they worked so well together.</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>"No cops at pride" aside, there's an in-universe reason why the crowd reacted almost unanimously against the idea of calling the cops. This story is set after RHATO 25, which means it's set after the events of the Robin War, which in itself has particularly soured the police's public relations, and doubly so for their reputation among marginalised communities. This being set after RHATO 25 also means Jason's still on the outs with Batman and why Harley has his endorsement but not Jason, and why Jason would rather avoid getting in trouble with the GCPD again. </p><p>This is also a reminder that this is a work of fiction and I <strong>do not</strong> endorse copaganda; gay or straight the only good cop is a resigned one. Please consider supporting the BLM movement to defund the police and create a safer environment for black lgbtq+ lives especially this pride month.</p><p>And you can find me on Tumblr <a href="https://stvlti.tumblr.com/">here</a>; always open to discuss a-spec Jason headcanons!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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